I JUST GOT BACK from watching the movie “Noah,” with my wife.
I don’t recommend it.
Or watching it with my wife.
She jumps too much.
The movie didn’t scare me. My wife did. She’d get excited when I wouldn’t, ‘cause I’m relaxed watching movies.
She’d lurch. And that would make me lurch, too. I’m not used to that. As a result, I’m kinda tired. But I’ll write this anyhow.
As for the movie, I didn’t expect much biblical history because there isn’t much biblical history to go on.
Here’s what the movie got right and wrong, far as I could tell and can remember, what with all the twitching, jerking, and flying popcorn.
Genesis 6:9: Noah had a wife and three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
Hollywood: Gorgeous wife, handsome sons. Ham is a jerk, like his dad.
Genesis 6:18: Noah’s sons had wives.
Hollywood: Only Shem had a woman; and I don’t think they were married. Ham’s woman got caught in a bear trap and trampled by a crowd running to the ark. Japheth was too young to have a wife, but he was probably thinking about girls during every scene in the movie.
Genesis 6:15: The boat was longer than a football field and half as wide. You could park two side-by-side on the field where the Kansas City Chiefs get played.
Hollywood: Big ark. Nicely done.
Genesis 6:4, 22: Giants live on the earth, and Noah built the ark.
Hollywood: Giants built the ark. They were fallen angels who turned into giant stone creatures when they splatted into the ground. The dirt and rocks stuck.
Genesis 4:22: One descendant of nasty Cain was Tubal-cain, an expert in making bronze and iron.
Hollywood: Tubal-cain forged metal weapons, including something that looked like a sawed-off bazooka that fired discount flares, which made my wife jump. Also, he had bad teeth.
Genesis 7:14: The boat was full of every kind of animal that sucked air.
Hollywood: They slept through the cruise. You know how Catholic priests sometimes walk through the church swinging a censer of holy smoke? Noah’s family did the same with sleepytime smoke. It seemed to affect only critters and me. If my wife had been there, they would not have slept either.
Genesis 8:13-14: Everyone stayed on the boat for a year, until the water receded.
Hollywood: Well, at least nine months. The way I know: Shem’s girlfriend got pregnant just before the cruise. She delivered on the ark. By the way, I still don’t know why Noah decided he had to kill the baby if it was a girl. That conflict drove much of the last part of the movie. And I didn’t get it. Neither did my wife. Maybe we missed something while lurching.
Genesis 8:16-17: God told Noah’s family to go and make babies.
Hollywood: Good luck with that. There were four males and four females, which sounds like good odds; don’t believe the numbers. Noah and Shem had women to kiss on. But Ham and Japheth had poor pickens:
That would have put a lot of pressure on 601-year-old Noah and his boy Shem.
By the way, didn’t Russell Crowe look great at 601? Got to love those pre-washed genes.
Genesis 9:13: God stamped the sky with a rainbow, as a sign he’d never flush the earth again.
Hollywood: The director ended the movie with a rainbow, but no promise that Hollywood wouldn’t do this again.