“I’M REQUESTING YOU SEE A GRIEF COUNSELOR.” That’s what my grown daughter said today.
I had requested a family meeting about a relational problem involving some faraway relatives. So there we were: me and my registered nurse wife and our two grown children—a manager-guy son and a nurse practitioner daughter.
I was surrounded by two healthcare ladies and a salesman. I didn’t have a chance.
Souls I’ve loved and lost
I know I’ve lost a lot recently.
Dad’s loss to cancer was long ago, shortly after 9/11. But I still remember pushing my ear so hard against his chest that it hurt. I was listening for a heartbeat that wasn’t there.
A heart attack took my youngest brother six months before COVID took my other young brother. I’m the last Miller in Mom and Dad’s family, by name. Two others are married sisters. Six kids in all. One died as a baby, two more gone, three left.
Strokes took Mom’s eyesight and expedited her dementia. She’s polite to me when we talk over the phone, but she doesn’t know me. My thirtysomething-year-old daughter visited her last week. Mom asked her what grade she was in. My daughter told Mom her age and said she had two boys, one in second grade and the other headed to kindergarten.
Mom said, “Wow.”
Lost dogs hurt us, too
We’ve lost three dogs in the family. I was there to put down two of them. Anyone who thinks dogs are last on the list for grieving souls have never lost a dog. Dogs are the best friends I’ve ever had, and the kindest souls I’ve met so far.
Putting down Buddy, our black lab, was the hardest moment of my life, so far. I swear I’ve got some kind of Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from looking into Buddy’s beautiful brown eyes when the lights went out.
I don’t think I have ever been so angry with God for putting me in that position of having to kill my best buddy. It’s a sad and heavy feeling.
“You’re different, Dad”
The kids say I’m different, a little off, or the spark is gone.
It all feels pretty normal to me—to hurt and to get angry about the helplessness we experience from time to time.
So why bother with a grief counselor? I helped put all three of my advisors through college. Let them advise something else.
But, it seems, they are hurting, too. I lost dad, my brothers, and Mom’s in the que. My kids lost one Papaw, one Opa, one Oma, two uncles, and Nanny in the que. They lost the dogs, as well. So did my wife; she lost all of these souls.
In search of a counselor
When our family meeting was over, I came up to my office to search for a counselor at a local church known for providing fine grief counselors.
I went to the church’s home page, found the grief counseling link, and clicked.
“You are not alone,” it said.
I found the button:
“Request counseling.”
I took a breath and clicked.
“The page can’t be found. It looks like nothing was found at this location. Looking for a place to connect or serve? Can’t find something? Let us help.”
Uh, maybe I am alone.
Could this be a sign from God that my kids are wrong? Yeah, maybe. They’ve been wrong before. They’ve got kids of their own now, so they’ll be wrong every day for the rest of their lives.
“Let us help”
Anyway, I clicked the “Let us help” link. But I didn’t find any grief counseling.
I did find a link for funerals, though. Maybe later.
First words for God
I’m not sure what I’d say to a grief counselor. But I think I know what I’d say to God.
First thing I’d say is, “Where’s Buddy?”
Sorry Dad and little brothers. I miss you, but I didn’t kill you. I had to kill Buddy. That’s grief of a harsher kind.
Maybe I should ask for Jesus first because he died for me. But I didn’t kill him, either. And he never licked my face, or slept beside me in the winter, or guarded me all day in my office. I imagine he did so in his own way, but there’s a lot to say for a licking dog.
What can a grief counselor do?
I have no idea how a grief counselor can get me back on track if, in fact, I’ve jumped the track. But I expect I’ll find out soon.
I have a feeling that church might get their website fixed this week, and then I’ll be in business.
If not, it’s their loss.
Counsel me
One more thing, why do you think I’m posting this? It’s uncomfortably personal.
I was going to post an article about a cool 3d-style Bible map I made for 2 Kings 23. But this seemed more important. More human. More real.
Also, what’s your favorite Bible words for grieving people? I kind of like Jesus in the Beatitudes:
“If you’ve loved someone enough to mourn them when they’re gone, God has blessed you. Now he’ll comfort you.” Matthew 5:4
Advice from Proverbs about advice
“If you stubbornly, repeatedly reject good advice,
You’ll snap. Nothing will fix this break.” Proverbs 29:1“When others give you advice and correct your mistakes, learn from it.
That’s how you get smarter for the rest of your life.” Proverbs 19:20“Ignoring advice will get you poverty and a bad reputation.
Taking the advice will get you a standing ovation.” Proverbs 13:18
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You’re not alone… I’ve found that seasons in life pass and we grow from them.
Thanks, Rosemary. Seasons pass but we remember what we lost while trying to focus on what we had.
Still reading and being nourished from your thoughtful and heartfelt blog entries. Keep the faith :).
But I think I know what I’d say to God.First thing I’d say is, “Where’s Buddy?”
A death has occurred and everything has been changed by this event and painfully aware that life can never be the same again. That yesterday is over. That relationship once rich has ended but there is another way to look upon this truth.
If life went on the same without the presence of Buddy who has died, we could only conclude that the life we remember made no contribution, filled no space, meant nothing.
The fact that Buddy left behind a space that cannot be filled is a high tribute to Buddy’s life and can be the same comparison of a trinket that has been lost compared to the loss of a treasure.
The only scripture verse that comes to me is:
Jesus wept ( Jn 11:35)…..The Creator of the Universe cried He understands grief.
That’s insightful, John. And heartwarming. Thank you.
Well, old friend old boss, you gotta talk to somebody you didn’t put through college, that’s for sure. I’m glad those college grads prompted you to do so. Your investment paid off in their wisdom.
Crummy church websites with broken links and outdated info are disproportionately maddening to me, your experience being a perfect case in point. Good grief. And no, broken links don’t let you off the hook. Nice try.
I have deep sympathy/empathy for your grief, Steve. It is no small thing. Eventually it can become precious evidence of great love for dear people and good dogs, but the Storm of it, before it becomes that evidence of love, is dark and overwhelming. It changes you. And all those college grads of yours want you back seems like. ♥️
Hey Molly. I always hoped you would come back. Thank you, my friend. I never thought of myself as your boss. I felt fortunate to get to work in your company.
Steve