THE LAST MINIVAN. Stephen M Miller saying goodbye to the Sienna minivan that had been the family’s workhorse since 1998. That’s the first year Toyota made the Sienna. He and his wife had just detailed it one last time before selling it to a mechanic who rejuvenates old cars. Sad evening. It felt like betraying an old friend who had never betrayed us.
WHILE CRYING OVER MY 1998 SIENNA MINIVAN last week, it occurred to me that what my daughter said a few weeks earlier might be true:
“You need grief counseling.”
Maybe so, but if there are cars in heaven, my Toyota Sienna minivan will be there.
It had 216,439 miles on it. We raised our kids during those miles. And we got a good start on the grandkids.
But it was valued at about $500, and the cracked radiator alone was going to cost over $1,500. Still, I’d have kept it if we had a three-car garage or another place to put it.
It’s Quentin’s van now
We sold it for $500 to a young mechanic at Burnett Automotive, where we have our vehicles serviced. His name is Quentin. He said he fixes up old cars for fun. He promised to either keep it or give it a good home. I can only hope he doesn’t fix it up and sell it to Quentin Tarantino’s movie production company. I would not want to see John Travolta behind the wheel.
The day before I drove it to Quentin at the auto shop, Linda and I detailed it one last time, to say goodbye. We both cried.
Who cries over a minivan? Someone who needs to get a life? Or maybe someone who has lived a life?
My son-in-law wouldn’t cry over an old minivan. He might take it to his farm property and shoot it. I kid my son-in-law, who owns a 12-guage shotgun.
My son said, “It’s just a car.” But I think he has been influenced by his wife, who never much liked minivans. She was an SUV momma until she had a third daughter.
With my Sienna gone, I got a Hybrid Highlander SUV to help haul the grandkids. It rides like a Corolla and looks like a big thimble on wheels.
But my Sienna…Quentin’s Sienna…rides like a recliner in a Cadillac Seville—smooth and softly sailing, even with a cracked radiator and an overworked timing belt.
There are surprises in getting older
People think that the older we get, the more we accumulate.
But sometimes it feels like the older we get, the more we lose.
Grieving what I’ve lost
I started to make a list of what I’ve lost in recent years.
- Dad, gone.
- Two younger brothers, gone.
- Mom, going, blinded by strokes and fighting dementia.
- Uncles and aunts, gone.
- Mosby gone. The first dog in my home. My son got her in college over a decade ago. He and his wife had to put her down because of her dementia.
- Juneau gone. Linda and I stood with our son when he told the vet to administer the shot that put down his beautiful Siberian Husky; she was full of tumors.
- Buddy gone. I watched the lights go out in the eyes of our dog, who had been struggling to breathe. Worst moment of my life, for I called the shot the vet gave. He trusted me and I killed him, my devoted friend.
- I’ve lost friendships over Mr. Trump. Reparable, but changed.
- I’ve lost family connections over family disputes. Again, reparable, but…
- And I lost my Sienna. Coming home with nothing but the license plate reminded me of coming home from the vet with nothing but Buddy’s collar and his leash.
- Then, in the middle of all this, a lifelong friend of my son-in-law died. I never met him, but I spent a week creating a video of his life for his family. I wept as I made it. They wept as the saw it. It’s the nature of grief.
So, it’s sappy
I believe some would say it’s sappy to dwell on these losses.
But grief isn’t just about “pity me, o my soul.”
It’s about remembering what has been important to us. And it’s about recognizing what a blessing it was to experience the people, the pets, and the possessions that made life richer, fulfilling, and fun.
It’s about looking past the sorrow and toward opportunities ahead to retrieve lost joy.
How lucky we were to have heard our daughter tell us in passing about her neighbors who were going to put down their dog because of its uncontrollable anxiety. The dog’s fear led her to damage their house while they were gone at school, teaching classes all day. I work at home. So, we saved Maizey on the morning she was supposed to die.
She’s lying beside me in my office as I type this. She’ll wake soon, when Linda gets home from work. And she’ll wag her tail so hard it can leave marks on the drywall. I can fix drywall.
Celebrating what I’ve gained
So, I guess the next step is to make a list of things in life I’ve gained.
- Wife who cries over a Sienna.
- Maizey the Dog who just jumped up and nearly broke my inbox table with her wagging tail. It sounds like Linda’s home.
- Second-grade grandson who helps me build small butcher block tables and workbenches.
- Second-grade granddaughter who would spend every weekend with us if she could.
- Kindergarten (this fall) grandson who plays drums on our pots and pans while I accompany him with the harmonica.
- Kindergarten (this fall) granddaughter who knows she is a dancing princess.
- Toddler granddaughter who could call in the forest rangers if we ever got lost in the Great Northwest on vacation. (Her mom wears earplugs in the house.)
- Daughter who knows me and loves me anyhow.
- Son in a house full of 4 females. And he still has my back.
- Daughter-in-law I love. “Yes, I know. You’re welcome.”
- Son-in-law who can shoot turkey with a bow and arrow if the world falls apart tomorrow.
A wise man once said
“Look, kids are gifts from the LORD.
They are fruit of the flesh, your divine reward.
Children born to you when you’re young
Are like arrows in an archer’s hand.
That archer is one happy fellow
When his quiver is full.
Enemies don’t stand a chance
When your kids have your back.”Psalm 127:3-5, Casual English Bible
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I can relate to this. I’m just in my early forties, but I’m already understanding that, admitting there will be great joys still to come, life as it is has been with our kids is changing and in just a few years will be completely different than now. It’s not bad, it just is.
You cried over that Sienna because of a lot of life lived in; a lot of things that were experienced in it. And I’m sure that as you and your wife were detailing it, those memories were overflowing and undulating into a thick foam of memories.
I experienced the same moving into a different residence. When the final day came, all those memories built while living in that place came forth and were overwhelming.
Big changes elicit big emotions. Moving, marrying, graduating, quitting, retiring…you name it, because the list is long. Yet, we have the tears and the laughter to get through them all and to live with those situations that will always be with us. Peace to you, Adam.